The days and weeks and now months after losing my dad have been filled with pain and sadness. My head and heart physically ache. My emotions are inconsistent and unpredictable. Time keeps passing, but I don’t feel it. Is it 9am? 11pm? January? April? It all feels the same. It is difficult to describe: how I can see one of my dad’s belongings and fall into uncontrollable tears, how an unexpected phrase can cause a panic attack, or how I can forget, for a moment, and then feel intense heartache over the fact that my dad isn’t physically here. Nearly every morning, when I wake up, I feel a reset of tremendous pain as the reality sets in. It’s been unimaginably difficult.
My dad’s memorial service was a sharp contrast to all of that. It was incredibly comforting to be in the presence of so many people who love my dad. Through tear-filled eyes and sleepless nights, my sister and I had written a tribute to my dad to share with everyone. Before I spoke, I remember pausing and just gazing at the crowd. The balcony’s were full, and there were people standing in the aisles. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people paused their day to honor my dad, and that meant so much. You’d think it would have been difficult to stand up and talk through the grief, but I found strength and comfort in sharing these stories and I knew my dad was right there with us. I have been wanting to share an excerpt of what I read, and in time I probably will. Right now, all I want to share is one small thing I’ve learned in this horrible journey: grief is love.
As I’m re-evaluating everything in my life, I’m so grateful for my friends and family and my dad’s friends and colleagues who have reached out and who continue to reach out with cards full of happy memories of my dad and so much love and support. On my hardest days I re-read them. I love being reminded of the impact my dad had and continues to have on so many people. And I love knowing that I am not alone on this grief journey. It has made all the difference.
Well hello faithful readers! It’s been too long. Truthfully, it’s been difficult for me to write post-election. Seven weeks later, I’m still experiencing waves of shock. Every time I begin to feel a bit better, I learn that another under-qualified person with dangerous or degrading messages has been appointed by our president elect. I’ve grieved and allowed myself to feel angry and now I’m channeling that into action. I called my senator and a few offices in DC to voice my concerns, and I’m supporting organizations who still care about women + LGBT rights. I’m also looking for new opportunities to volunteer. I may not be able to change much on my own, but I can’t sleep if I don’t try.
All that’s to say, it’s a good thing that I started planning my 30th birthday before the election because otherwise, I probably wouldn’t have had a party at all. And that would have been sad because thirty is a big milestone and I love birthdays and I love parties.
It’s been a rough few days. Ever since I learned that Trump was elected, I’ve felt stunned. I respect our election process, but I’m heartbroken over this outcome. I feel hurt and abandoned and angry and scared. I know this horror story is going to be on the forefront of my mind for a while, but sometimes, you need to take a break from it all, practice some self-care, and find some healthy distractions. For me, that means doing yoga, watching Gilmore girls, talking to friends, and… reliving the incredible trip to Great Britain that I had this summer.
With that in mind, I’m going to go ahead and wrap up the last 3 days of our trip in one blog post. It’s going to be a long one so grab a cup of coffee or tea and get comfy. Here goes…
As I watched the 2016 election results roll in on Tuesday night, I was uneasy. Early results trended Trump. I went to sleep around midnight, feeling nervous, but with so many states too early to call, I had a sliver of hope.
I woke up at 3am, checked my phone, and I froze.
I texted some of my friends who were also awake and in shock. I was shaking. I had a panic attack. I’ve only felt this way a few times in my life. My chest was aching, I had trouble catching my breath, and I was too stunned to cry.
When I look at Donald Trump, I see every man who’s ever sexually assaulted me. Continue reading
A few weeks ago, I spent a Saturday night on my friends’ back porch. We were rocking in rocking chairs, staring up at the stars, and drinking beer and homemade moonshine while there were guns and/or firecrackers firing in the not-so-distant distance. We were enjoying a good conversation and I had one of those moments like I did when I first put on snow boots or that time I wore flannel to brunch where I thought… this is Boone. This is my Boone life.
And then I picked up my rental car the next morning and I drove up to DC for the week.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being pulled in different directions: working in DC and living in North Carolina. Continue reading
In June, Bret and I spent one week in Great Britain. I planned on summarizing that week in a few blog posts this summer and I’ve really fallen behind on those (sorry!) but I’m back. Here’s Day 4! (You can catch up on the first few days here).
After a completely perfect day exploring our new favorite city: Edinburgh, Scotland, we woke up early as usual, packed our backpacks, and enjoyed a traditional Scottish breakfast in the hotel. Then, we boarded the bus and began our drive up to Inverness! Continue reading
Weekend before last weekend was the best weekend.
Bret and I knew we wanted to take a trip to enjoy Labor Day weekend. I wanted the beach – any beach – but Wrightsville and Myrtle Beach are the closest and they are still 5+ hours away. Bret wanted to go to Knobels and Hershey Park with his friends in PA. That is about 8 hours away. Nothing seemed ideal and we couldn’t decide, and then we learned that it was JMU’s opening football game, and instantly, the decision was made. Continue reading
The first thing you need to know about our experience in Edinburgh is this: Scotland is usually cold and gray and dreary. It often rains. We were prepared for a chilly, gray day.
Instead, we got this:
The weather was BEAUTIFUL and warm and sunny, and everyone was in an extra joyful mood because of it. Bret and I got to spend half the day with a local who was a friend of a new friend we met on our tour, and he was completely in awe of the weather, too. Everyone was eating ice cream cones and lounging outside. All this is to say, my Edinburgh experience was not typical. Continue reading
It occurred to me recently that I have wildly different relationships with different friends.
I have my Boone/DC/Richmond friends. These are my local friends who I talk “everyday” life with: work, politics, family. We relate through our every day joys and concerns.
Then, I have my grad school/college/summer job Harrisonburg friends who I knew at a magical stage of life. A rare message from one of these people can light a spark in me. I miss these friends, and I’m grateful for our occasional chances to reconnect.
I also have my long-distance friends. Friendships tend to untether when life carries us in separate directions, but I’ve managed to hold on to a few long distance friends by writing letters. These friends are my interactive journals, essentially. I can reach out to them for advice and reassurance and be my real, unfiltered self. Letter writing is good for the soul.
And finally, I have these women right here.
We spent most of Day 2 on the bus traveling to Edinburgh. When we first looked at this trip’s itinerary, we were most excited about visiting Edinburgh (and we loved it so much!) but the journey there was grueling. I mean, we were chilling on a bus listening to music and talking so it wasn’t awful, but it was long. The drive was still a great experience in itself, though, because we made several incredible sightseeing stops along the way including:
Hadrian’s Wall. Hadrian’s Wall was constructed in 122 AD to defend the Roman province. Real history, y’all! That wall is nearly 2,000 years old.
I’m angry at myself right now, truly.
I’ve been toggling between shock and disbelief, but somehow, my phone factory reset itself, and I failed to back up all of my Europe pictures. I’ve tried everything and I’ve asked everyone who could logically help, and, nothing.
This is one of the only full-size pictures I have left of my time in Scotland.
It’s gorgeous, right? The perspective! The framing! The color… this is not filtered, people! I love this photo. I’m proud of this photo. I fell in love with SO many of the pictures that I obsessively took during this trip. And now, they’re “in the wind” according to my good friends at Verizon. I only have this one because I managed to send it to a friend last month before my phone self-destructed. Continue reading